Mindful Drinking & Moderation in Midlife: Low No Drinker Podcast

112: Rejected For Moderating by Friends, Family or Colleagues

• Denise Hamilton-Mace • Episode 112

Share episode

Rejection stings, especially when you're changing your drinking patterns and facing family expectations or shifting friendship dynamics. 

After being turned down by a podcast host because of my moderation stance, I dive into how the fear of rejection holds us back from making choices that truly serve us. In this episode, we’ll unpack how family expectations, workplace pressure, and the subtle shifts in friendship dynamics can challenge your resolve to drink differently. 

Tune in to learn why some people resist your new drinking patterns—and how staying true to yourself is worth the discomfort.


1:43 Why I got rejected recently

5:07 Workplace Rejection

7:12 Rejection from Friends

9:31 Family Resistance to Changing Habits

===
🌱 Reset the way alcohol shows up in your life with the 4 Week Midlife Mindful Drinking Reset
https://www.lownodrinker.com/4weekreset

===
🧐 Take the quiz and find out what's REALLY driving your midlife drinking habits
https://www.lownodrinker.com/

===
💰 Get 10% off drinks at Wise Bartender with code LOWNODRINKERMAGAZINE
https://wisebartender.co.uk/lownodrinkermagazine *

===
*Some links are affiliate links. If you make a purchase, Low No Drinker may earn a commission. Thank you.

Speaker 1:

Let's talk about rejection, the fear of it, the reality of it, from friends, from family, from work colleagues. I don't care who you are, I don't care where you're from, what you did, as long as you love me, right? Yes, yes, I did just quote the Backstreet Boys, non-ironically, to help me prove my point, and I don't apologize. I have warned you many times before about my severe lack of cool but frosted tips and formation. Dancing aside, the boys had a point, didn't they? We are pack animals. As humans, and no matter how aloof or dismissive or nonchalant you profess to be, we all just want to be loved for who we are. Hello, hello, and welcome to this week's episode of the Mindful Drinking and Moderation in Midlife podcast with me, denise Hamilton-Mace. I am your mindful drinking mentor and I'm here to help you build a life less intoxicated, on your own terms, with no expectation and no judgment. So rejection, it's real, it's part of life. It's not fun. Nobody enjoys it. In fact, we try very, very hard to avoid it as much as possible. So much so that the pursuit of acceptance leads us to sometimes do some very outlandish things and, in fact, alienate others. All for the approval of the tribe that we've identified with. But, like I said, I hate to break it to you, but rejection is part of life and the biggest gift that you can give yourself, I believe, or at least one of them is the ability to accept the fact that rejection is a part of life and move on when it happens, because whilst we were never meant to be alone, we were also never meant to be loved by everyone. I mean, can you just imagine how exhausting that would be? So where did this great epiphany come from? Because I was rejected recently. It's not the first time and I doubt it will be the last.

Speaker 1:

I won't bore you with too many details, not because I'm embarrassed, but because it doesn't really matter, but suffice it to say that in the world of low no, there are some people who do not approve of my live and let live, or should I say drink and let drink approach to moderation, and so my invitation to guest on their podcast was rescinded. But it made me think. It made me think I was rejected by this host because of my stance on moderation. So does that mean that I should consider going back and adjusting some of my approaches? Should I try to change some of my language and cont tell some of my opinions so that I can fit into a mold that they're trying to serve, just so that I can get what I want out of it? Or should I double down on my convictions and stand my ground and serve my own needs and yours with some gusto?

Speaker 1:

And I'm hoping that you chose option B for me. Just in case you're wondering, that's what I chose for myself, but I'm also hoping even more that you choose option B for yourself every time, because when you start to actively, deliberately and vocally change the way that you allow alcohol to show up in your life and brace yourself for this, you are going to piss some people off. You are, they are going to question you, they are going to challenge you and they're going to try and change you, and when they can't, there is a chance that some of them might reject you, and that is scary. I appreciate that you have spent years building a version of yourself that will be readily and easily accepted by the tribe that you have surrounded yourself with, and so, therefore, their rejection terrifies you. But in this instance, I challenge that. It's their acceptance that should really scare you, because if acceptance by the crowd means that you can't be yourself. If it means that you can't say no to a drink when you don't feel like having one, if it means that you're only cool if you are one of us, then it's time to pull out your best Groucho Marx impression and proclaim loudly, with a little bit of paraphrasing, that I do not want to belong to any club that will only accept that version of me as a member, to any club that will only accept that version of me as a member. So let's have a look at some of the places where rejection happens when it comes to changing the way that you drink. And, of course, we'll start with the workplace, because we're in midlife and work is still a huge part of who we are and what we do Now.

Speaker 1:

For the last century or so, I believe, I think that every single office party ever has all taken place in the same pub, with the same drinks and the same illicit snogs with people you shouldn't be snogging, and the same forehead, tie, knee, slide action across the centre of the bar. But whether it's the office party or working lunches, client entertaining, claire's birthday party, victor's promotion, all of them, they all revolve around booze. If you're lucky, you get a few sausage rolls as well. And then along comes you. And for this occasion you are tired, you're overworked and you're just not in the mood to tie one on again. But it's what you do, right, and it's what you're used to doing, and that's why you're always at the top of the invite list, that's why everybody loves having you around, and that's what you do. You get the shots in and you're thinking to yourself if I don't get the shots in, what's my role? If I don't bring booze to the party, then what do I bring? I don't know because I don't know you. But you'll never know either if you're too afraid of rejection to bring nothing but just yourself. People expect you to be the life of the party, because it's what you've always given them. If you give them something else, you might find yourselves pleasantly surprised. And if they don't, if they still reject you because you're not the party animal that they expect you to be, well then I guess that tells you everything you need to know. And tomorrow you go in, you do your job, you leave and you go home to the people who actually matter.

Speaker 1:

Now, rejection from our friends. This is where it gets personal, and it's not so easy, because for a lot of us, particularly in midlife, our friends form part of our identity far more than our job by the us. Particularly in midlife, our friends form part of our identity far more than our job. By the time you've reached midlife, you've probably spent at least one full decade, if not two or three, building and maintaining friendships that have seen you through the best of times and the worst of times, and rejection from a friend group is nothing to be sniffed at. We all remember what it was like in school being, you know, the outcast or when so-and-so is not talking to you because you did this or the other, and it hurts. And we carry that feeling with us into adulthood and we try to do everything we can to avoid experiencing it again.

Speaker 1:

But if, after all those times, if after the good and the bad and the ups and the downs and the ins and the outs and all of that, if your friend group still only accepts you if you have a drink in hand, then it might be time to take a closer look at what the last few years has really meant to all of you, because true friendship is unconditional, and I know that is hard to hear. True friendship is unconditional, and I know that is hard to hear, but what I would say when it comes to your friends is that remind them. Remind them of all the times that they've been there to support you before, through all the heartache, financial difficulties, relationships, parents, kids driving you crazy. Remind them all the times that they've been there to support you and let them know that this is no different, you choosing to have days where you drink less or not at all. The support that you need for those days is no different than the support that you needed any other time, and a real friend will respect that. And if they can't, then perhaps the rejection boot needs to be on the other foot. Not entirely, I'm not suggesting that you just give up on your friend groups at all, but at least, whilst you decide exactly how those friends fit into the newer elements of your lifestyle, it might be a time that you look around and see who else you can spend time with, who can understand and support your journey, and you save your moments with those other friends for the times when you've decided that you are ready to go out and to have a night on the town, however that looks for you, and then to get things even more personal, then we have the possibility of rejection by family.

Speaker 1:

Now rejection by family is a whole new playing field. It's a lot easier to replace colleagues and fair-weather friends than it is your mum, your spouse, cousin, john. Those people are all far harder to replicate, and when you start changing your drinking habits, some family members might take it personally like you're judging their choices, like you think you're being better than them or you're making some sort of big statement about how they live their lives, because it's how you've all lived your lives together for so long. You might hear things like what's wrong with you? Or why can't you just have one? Or you used to be fun, as if the only way that you used to be fun, as if the only way that you can still be fun is if you're completely legless. That's for another conversation. But because it's family, it's it's going to sting. It's going to sting a lot.

Speaker 1:

The good news is that when it comes to family, it's actually very difficult for your family and very unlikely that your family will will reject your choices outright back to being unconditional again. But because they are so close to you and because boundaries are a lot lower with family, they might be the ones who question you more. They might be the ones who challenge you the most, and they might be the ones who most expect you to conform to old habits that you've all grown up watching and experiencing and performing together during family holidays and Christmas meals and Sundays around at Nan's house. You spent decades building these norms that have dictated the way you spend time together for the last few years, more so than with any other group, but families are more likely to reject your ideas than they are to reject you as a person, and I think that's a really important distinction for you to remember. So, when you are feeling challenged, when you are feeling questioned by the people that you're expecting to support you the most, understand that it is your ideas and your actions that they are challenging, not you as an individual.

Speaker 1:

The other thing with family is that you have time. You have time to help them understand where you're coming from. There is time for you to explain your position, your reasons, what you're doing, why you're doing it, and in time, they will come around to understanding why you're making the choices that you are. Ultimately, your family wants the best for you, right? So even if they don't get it straight away, they will eventually understand why you're making such radically different choices, which aren't that radical at all, radically different choices which aren't that radical at all. But in time they will understand and they will see that your choices are about your health and your well-being, not about their convenience.

Speaker 1:

Look, I'm not suggesting that any of this is easy. It's not easy. Rejection is never nice, no matter the circumstances, whether it is work or friends or family, but sometimes it's just the universe, I guess, a way of telling you that it's not your time with those people. A little woo-woo for me, I know, but you'll need a little bit of woo-woo sometimes. And as you hunt for your new tribe to spend time with, who understand your, your choices, who support your decisions, who encourage you making choices for your benefit, not for theirs, remember that the only clubs that you should be queuing to get into are the ones that allow you to come as you are.

Speaker 1:

And yes, for the eagle-eared among you, I did just go from quoting Backstreet Boys at the beginning to Nirvana at the end of this episode, if for no other reason than to remind you that you can belong to more than one tribe. And also, that's just how I roll. That's it for me for this week. Please do me a favor. If you found this episode to be interesting, helpful, insightful or just downright entertaining, please do share it with a friend that you know who might also be on a journey to live a life less intoxicated. That's it from me. I'll catch you next time.

Head Shot

Denise Hamilton-Mace

Host