Mindful Drinking & Moderation in Midlife: Low No Drinker Podcast

111: Drinking on Autopilot: How Daily Stress Fuels Your Evening Habits

• Denise Hamilton-Mace • Episode 111

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Breaking decades of drinking habits in midlife isn’t about willpower – it’s about understanding triggers, actions, and rewards, and then reshaping them to work in your favour. 

In this episode, I explore why habits form, why they’re so hard to undo, and how stress plays such a big role in keeping us stuck. 

I share practical steps to help you swap old autopilot behaviours for new actions that actually bring relief and joy, and why progress, not perfection, is the key.

 

0:00 Setting the scene
1:52 Moderating in midlife
3:04 Understanding the habit cycle
7:31 The trouble with stress
8:16 Step 1 - Reduce stress
9:36 Step 2 - Take new actions
12:41 Step 3 - Be prepared
15:22 Will it work every time?

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Speaker 1:

Imagine this it's Wednesday evening, it's around six o'clock and you've just got home. Your boss has been a dick all day, your colleagues incompetent, to say the least. You get home, the kids are loud, the house is a mess, your other half is out this evening, so it's up to you to make the dinner, put the ferals to bed. You look down and in your hand you suddenly see a large glass of red wine and you have no recollection of even deciding to pour it. Last week, I put a poll out on my sub stack and I asked what is the biggest challenge for you in moderating in midlife, and 47% of you replied back to say that the biggest challenge for you is breaking decades of habit. So that is what we are here to talk about today habits. Hello, hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Mindful Drinking and Moderation in Midlife podcast with me, your host, denise Hamilton-Mace. I am your mindful drinking mentor and I am here to help you build a life less intoxicated, on your own terms, with no judgment and no expectation.

Speaker 1:

Moderating in midlife is different. Okay, I'm not saying it's easier, harder, better or worse than someone who's, say, in their 20s, but I am telling you that it is different. You have spent the last 20, 30, maybe 40 years building up a series of habitual behavior around alcohol. You have tried your wines, your whiskeys, your wheat beers. You know your peris from your porters, you know your liqueurs from your liquors and you know what you like from your liquors. And you know what you like and you are used to consuming these drinks for all types of reasons, in all types of situations that suit you best. And then suddenly, at 42, you just decide that you need to make a change in life and you want to cut down on your drinking and you want to start making different choices. But for some reason, after two weeks of willpower, good intentions and saying all the right mantras to yourself, it just doesn't seem to be sticking. Of course it's not. You cannot expect to undo decades of habits with two weeks of positive mental attitude.

Speaker 1:

So let's start by looking at what exactly is a habit? First of all, because habits are simply learned behaviours. In the most basic terms, you've learned that when some sort of trigger occurs, you take a specific action and that leads you to a certain reward. In slightly more detail, not to get too nerdy habits occur therefore in three parts. You have your trigger. So, from our earlier example, any one of those things could have been a trigger, these stresses that we all experience and that grow seemingly exponentially in midlife. But for ease, let's just take the bad day at work. So that is the trigger, and then you have an action, and the action in our instance is pouring a glass of wine and, of course, consuming it. But it could be any action, it could be around food, for example. The reward and the reward is the outcome that you desire that leads you to take the action after you felt the trigger All making sense. So in this instance, the reward would be something like relaxation or taking the edge off, as my friend likes to say.

Speaker 1:

The problem with habits is that they are actually super efficient, energy saving tools provided by your brain to help you with daily life. Habits in and of themselves aren't a bad thing. The average human being makes around about 35,000 decisions a day. Now, some studies say more, some say less. Either way around that number. That's a lot of decisions to make in a day. If you had to take each one of those decisions on its own merit, weigh up the pros and cons and make a conscious choice as to what to do, you'd never get out of the house in the morning, obviously. So when it comes to habits, it's your brain's way of cutting out the middleman, ie you, so that it can make efficient decisions and move on to the next task that it has.

Speaker 1:

Your brain wants to save energy. It wants to preserve your life force by not making you expend too much in trying to get to the goal you're trying to achieve. So your brain simply says ah, I'm feeling stressed. I know that when I felt stressed before I pour a glass of wine. I drink the wine, I feel better. It's trying to do you a favor, and it becomes really hard to break this habit when two parts out of the three are actually pretty darn good. They're actually really, really helpful because you are going to have stresses in your life. Now, whether or not it's a work-related stress, whether it's your other half doing a head in, whether it's the kids that just won't shut up, whether it is dealing with aging parents or a career that you found yourself stuck in, or whatever it is, stresses are always going to exist. They may change their format, they may change the way they appear, but you'll always have things in your life that are going to cause you stress. It's just part of being alive.

Speaker 1:

The other part of this tree of actions that's really good is the reward. You deserve to have a reward. We all want to feel relaxed, we want to feel happy, we want to feel connected. These are positive things and your brain is doing you a good deed in trying to help you to achieve them. So those two parts of the habit cycle are actually really positive.

Speaker 1:

The issue comes is in the bit in the middle. It's the action that you take when you feel the trigger and you try to achieve the reward. That's the bit that you need to change and that's the bit that's the hardest to change. Of course, after 20 plus years of drinking the same way at the same time, with the same drinks for the same reasons, your brain is pretty much running on autopilot now when it comes to the way that you drink. So if you want to make some changes to your habits, then you are going to have to put quite a bit of effort in, and whether you are a fan of RuPaul, whether you like Rihanna or the classic Dolly Parton, they all want you to do one thing work. You've got to put the work in, and I know you don't want to. I know that you are tired and you just want to sit down and you just want to get your relaxation and you don't want to have to put much effort into it. But you also want a better quality of life. You want fewer hangovers, you want more connection with your family, you want more great memories that you can make and, as you tell your kids, if you want something in life, you're going to have to work for it.

Speaker 1:

Now, one of the hardest things about stress as a trigger for your drinking habits is that stress actually makes it harder to make positive decisions for yourself. As you get more and more stressed, your cortisol levels rise. Your cortisol is the stress hormone and that impacts two major areas that you need, that is, your impulse control and your decision making ability. So with both of those impacted by your cortisol, by your stress levels, it makes it a lot harder to make positive decisions around alcohol, and your brain goes on a mission to prioritize your immediate relief and your immediate reward over the long-term benefits that you're actually hoping to achieve. So what can we do about this? Well, step one is, however, possible, and I know this is going to be easier said than done, but however possible, is to reduce the quantity and the intensity of the life circumstances that cause you stress.

Speaker 1:

Now, I know you can't make your kids behave. Everyone tells you that a good parent, you have your kids under control, but they're human beings. They're going to do annoying things that are going to make you feel stressed. You can't stop your boss from being a dick. You know, even if you've done all the best work in the world, it might just be who they are. You can't make your colleagues work any more efficiently or understand things any better. You know you can't help that you might have aging parents who aren't as strong as they used to be and need you to do a lot more for them. You can't help that you still have all these bills to pay. All of these things are just going to happen. There's nothing you can do about them. All you can do is change how you react to them. That is the only thing that you have control over. So when I say to change the quantity and the intensity of the stressors that appear in your life, really what I'm asking you to do is to have a look at how you choose to react to these stresses and remember that getting angry and getting stressed out and getting frustrated and panicking doesn't actually help with any of the things that you're trying to achieve, so focus on what does help instead. Okay, that's step one.

Speaker 1:

Step two now is all about identifying new actions that you can take once your trigger has been set in motion. Now, it has been well documented that as we age, our brain plasticity yes, I'm using big words today, that is, our ability to learn and to adapt to new situations that decreases, to new situations. That decreases. Yay for aging. But thanks to modern science and new research, it has been shown that as we age, that lifelong neuroplasticity can actually be improved. In layman's terms, that means you can indeed teach an old dog new tricks. Yes, we are the old dogs.

Speaker 1:

So it's about finding different ways to replicate the feelings of reward that you're trying to achieve that don't involve alcohol. Finding new actions that you can put in place of pouring that glass of red wine, in place of cracking that beer, that are going to lead you to getting the same reward that you get from the drink in the first place. Now, this, I'm going to be really honest with you, is very much going to be a case of trial and error. There isn't, and I wish there was. But there isn't a quick and easy oh well, don't drink, just do this instead. There was, but there isn't a quick and easy oh well, don't drink, just do this instead. Life doesn't work like that. It's about finding what works for you, because what you find relaxing and rewarding and stress relieving is likely to be very different to what I find relaxing and rewarding and stress relieving. So it could be anything.

Speaker 1:

It is about you exploring and experimenting with new hobbies and habits that you can put in place of that glass of wine. It might be learning a language. How about Klingon? It might be doing a jigsaw puzzle. Maybe a thousand piece sandy beach puzzle would work. It might be experimenting with that low, no or light alcohol drink that you bought from that farmer's market a few months ago when you were feeling really empowered, but it's been sitting in your cupboard for a while. Yeah, try it. And maybe your new thing is that you start trying lots of different low, no and light drinks and you make a catalog of the good, the bad and the downright awful, depending on what you like. There are good ones, there are bad ones, and there are as simple and relaxing as sitting down and sorting out an old photo album and, yes, I know that everybody's digital these days, but we're midlifers and I know that you've still got photos at home. I know that you do. Or maybe you just do something simple and read a book. I don't know what it is. Whatever it is, the idea here is that you start to investigate different actions that you can take when you feel that trigger kicking in, so that you can start to replace the action of automatically going for a glass of wine or a gin and tonic or a beer as part of your stress relieving routine.

Speaker 1:

And the final step here, step three, is about being prepared. You've got to plan ahead, once you have identified what your new action or activity or hobby is that you can start to employ in place of automatically reaching for that bottle of wine or that gin and tonic or that beer. You need to make sure that you are always prepared, because stresses can hit at any time and quite often they are unexpected. Of course, you'll know if you're going to work. You might know whether or not it's gearing up to be a good day or a bad day, but somebody could just piss you off on the way home, or your other half can just say something really stupid. Whatever it is, you need to be prepared to take that action when you need to do it. So do plan ahead, because, although over time, the stresses will get weaker, you will learn to adapt and to adjust to the things that annoy you so that they will eventually start to annoy you less. New stresses may well appear to take their place, and the best thing you can do is to be prepared for when that happens.

Speaker 1:

So, once you've identified what your new actions are, don't leave it to chance that you'll have what you need to hand when you need it. If it's exercise, for example, if you've decided that when you start to feel that trigger, the best thing for you to do is get your body moving and that, by the way, is a fantastic stress reliever. It is the body's natural stress reliever. Movement processes cortisol out of the body rather than just parking it to the side, and it could be as simple as going for a walk around the block. You don't have to be getting match fit. But if it is exercise and perhaps you want to do something more vigorous maybe you're into body pump classes or combat classes or HIIT sessions then make sure you've got everything that you need ready.

Speaker 1:

Make sure you've always got a pair of shorts and your best sports bra yes, you too, chaps is always ready for you to go. If it's low-no drinks, then stock up. Get a few different things in the fridge so that they're always there, they're always chilled, so that you've got something that's easy to hand. Maybe it's something like phoning a friend and just having a laugh someone you know who always cracks you up. But make sure that they know that they have been designated as your official stress relief partner and so when you call, they need to pick up the phone and be ready with a few jokes.

Speaker 1:

Whatever it is, just be prepared and make sure that you are ready to take your new action so that you can assuage your desire to pick up the bottle and use it as a tool for stress relief, which is really not what it's supposed to be used for Now. Will your new stress relief tactics, will your new actions, will they work every time that you feel the trigger? No, no, they won't. But nothing works every time. That's just life. So you know this, as I said before, is going to be about trial and error for you finding out what works best for you so that you can employ it when you need it.

Speaker 1:

One of the good things about being in this space together, where we're looking at moderation and drinking mindfully rather than complete abstinence, is that, yes, there will be times when you will consume more alcohol than you, than you had intended to, but the good news is that we have a little bit more room for self-forgiveness, a little bit of wiggle room in not needing to beat ourselves up so much because we're not looking at complete elimination of alcohol although that might be a goal further down the line and more power to you if it is. The true skill here, however, is in the ability to learn from your actions and to iterate new behavior for the next time you're feeling that way. I'll finish by letting you know that relying on willpower alone to help you break your habits when you're at the end of a long day or when you're emotionally drained is not going to work by itself, especially if you have to spend a lot of your willpower on telling Gary from accounts just what he can do with his spreadsheets, when all you want to do is get a biro. But by understanding exactly what's going on with those habits, why they exist and how they work. This allows you to be further along in your journey to taking back some of the power of control over alcohol that you deserve, so that you can live the life that you want over alcohol that you deserve, so that you can live the life that you want.

Speaker 1:

And one last thing here I'll say, actually, is that I focus a lot on stress here today, but of course, there are other triggers that might set you off on your path of habitual behavior that you'd rather change. So, whether the trigger is stress, or whether it's boredom, or it's celebration, or it's being in a certain place with certain people, or it's just a really dull or hard hump day, the same approach applies in terms of finding different actions that you can take when that trigger hits to give you the same reward that you want. And remember, this is not about willpower, this is not about perfection, this is about preparation and it's about progress. I hope this one helps. If it has helped and you have enjoyed today's episode, then I would love for you to share it with a friend who's also on a journey to live a life less intoxicated. Cheers, and I'll catch you next time.

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Denise Hamilton-Mace

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