Sober Curious, Mindful & Alcohol-Free Drinkers Podcast: Low No Drinker

#89. How I Got It All Wrong at a 5-Year-Old's Birthday Party

• Denise Hamilton-Mace • Episode 89

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Today, I’m exploring how years of conditioning led me to make unfair assumptions about my hosts, who were actually on their own mindful drinking journey, at a recent kids’ birthday party. This experience prompted me to question the wider assumptions we all make - about venues, other people's perceptions, and even ourselves and the habitual thoughts and behaviours that dictate our actions when navigating social drinking situations.

0:00 Party time
1:53 My assumption
5:59 Mixed drinking hosting
6:58 Habitual behaviours
8:33 Reflecting with an open mind

Also mentioned:
Zeno Sparkling Wine*
Brew Dog IPA*

Best episode to listen to next:
#21 DECEM: From Masterchef finalist to 10% Spirit Distiller
#79 Powerful Mindset Shifts That Will Transform Your Experience with Low/No Drinks – pt1

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Speaker 1:

Today I want to tell you a story. It is the story of a kids party that I went to this weekend and the assumptions that were made while I was there and how that party proved me wrong. Hello, hello and welcome to the Low no Drinker podcast, the only twice weekly podcast, helping you to find, understand and enjoy the world of low no and light drinks, drinkers and drinking. My name is Denise Hamilton Mace and I am the founder, editor and host of all things low no drinker. So this weekend my five-year-old daughter was invited to a birthday party. Now, if you've got small kids, you know that most of your social life now revolves around their social life, referring them to and from their various calendar of events. But this one was at my daughter's friend's house and it was a lovely house with lovely hosts and a lovely little party. And, as all good hosts do, when I entered the kitchen because of course that's where all parties happen evil when you're five I was offered a drink and I looked around and I could see that there were cans of beer and bottles of bubbles and my first response was to say thank you. But no, thank you. I'm fine with water. I always carry a bottle of water with me. I was like no, no, I'll just drink my water. And there was no judgment, there was no shade. You know, the party was at three o'clock in the afternoon, so it wasn't like 11 am. And I've been to many parties, many kids parties, before I started on my mindful drinking journey and I know that you know, grown-ups generally tend to have a bottle or a can of something while these parties are going on. I'm sure you've been in the same situation yourself, but obviously for for many clear reasons, as you know, if you're joining me here today, that just isn't my vibe anymore. Wasn't my bag, but I'm like cool, you do what you want to do, but thanks, no, thanks, not for me.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, as the party continued on, a little while later the dad of the girl whose birthday it was, so the host of the party he had a moment to breathe and he came over to me and he said hi, denise, actually I wanted to chat to you because we've got a friend in common and I thought, oh, okay, must be one of the other parents in school, of course, or one of the social events that we've been to in the area. Actually, it turned out that the person that we had in common is a previous guest who's been on the Lono Drinker podcast. It was Billy Wright, who is the founder of Desem 10% Gin and also a regular feature writer for Lono Drinker magazine, where he writes about food and alcohol free drinks pairings. And so I said, oh, that's amazing. How do you know Billy? So we got talking and it turns out that this chap had worked with Billy in the past in a chefing capacity. He's also worked in branding on lots of alcohol brands and alcohol-free brands.

Speaker 1:

And then it took me a moment and I took a step back and I looked around and on the counter where I'd seen the cans and bottles before, I looked closer at the labels and more than 50% of the drinks that he had on his counter were alcohol free. There were cans of beer, there were bottles of Zeno sparkling wine, there were drinks that were there for grown-ups to attend a kid's party, have an adult drink and not consume alcohol. And I had to take a moment to give myself a really big telling off. Why, why had I made the assumption that these drinks were all full alcohol? Why had I assumed that these lovely people in their lovely home were unable to throw a kid's birthday party without having copious amounts of alcohol to hand. This assumption was all entirely on me, but it took me by surprise because obviously, given what I do for a living, my radar for alcohol free drinks is always up right. I'm always on the lookout for them Everywhere I go. I'm noticing what venues have them, what shops have them in. If you go out to the picnic, what's everybody drinking? But for some reason, walking into this party on this hot sunny day, I had made the assumption that these people had not considered anybody else, or made the assumption, actually, that they themselves were just ready to get on the lash in the middle of their five-year-old daughter's birthday party. And it made me stop and think because obviously what's happened is that I have taken the years and years and years of conditioning that I have been exposed to through my career, through working in pubs and bars, through my own habits, through having been to kids parties and family events where alcohol was front and centre, and I had just taken that assumption and I had plastered it all over these people without giving them the opportunity to present themselves as they wanted.

Speaker 1:

So it turns out that this chap and his wife had decided to embark on their own low-no drinking journey, like many people do during his wife's pregnancy, particularly her second pregnancy, so that she had a. They had a two-year-old son as well, and there were times when she really wanted to drink. She really wanted a beer, like lots of people, like lots of us. You know you've gone, oh okay. Well, like I can't I know that I can't have a drink at the moment because I'm growing this life inside of me, but I want something adult.

Speaker 1:

They started to explore alcohol-free beers and wines and, of course, through the husband's work as well, where he's worked on branding with alcohol-free brands. He's got a friend who works in the light alcohol space. They had a lot of exposure to the drinks that we talk about a lot on this show and they were excited by them. They wanted to have these drinks here. They were proud to have them at their party, they were happy to offer them to people and they wanted people to drink them. Now they did have full alcohol drinks as well. You know, next to the bottle of Zeno sparkling wine, there were bottles of alcohol full Carver. Next to the cans of Brewdog Punk IPA alcohol free, they had cans of alcohol full beer as well.

Speaker 1:

And isn't that just what we want. Isn't that the perfect way to host a party? Yes, I know that we're talking about a kid's five-year-old birthday party, but put that aside for the moment. Perfect way to host a party. Yes, I know that we're talking about a kid's five-year-old birthday party, but put that aside for the moment. Isn't what we want to be able to be in a situation where you're going to somebody's house, you're going to an event and the people who are hosting it have gone. Great, we've got to get some drinks for everyone who's coming. Let's get some wines, let's get some beers, let's get some whatever else, and let's make sure there are options.

Speaker 1:

For, however, people are choosing to drink when they come and visit us, and I'm really grateful for that, and I'm really grateful that the situation made me call myself out and question why I made those kind of assumptions. It also made me think about the assumptions that we have around the way that we drink. Me assuming that their drinks were only full alcohol was just akin to the way that I used to go into a bar and automatically assume that I wanted to drink full strength alcohol and automatically go to my standard orders, whether it was a glass of a particular white wine, or a particular vodka and mixer, or whatever it was that I was drinking at the time. We form these habits of behavior, these assumptions of circumstance, we create these rituals around the things that we do, and we don't stop and question them and question how they're serving us, question how they're presented to us and question how we can make the most out of them. So I guess for me this week, it's really about taking some time to reflect on the assumptions that we make on a daily basis about how others are perceiving the way we're choosing to drink.

Speaker 1:

Because what this showed me was that I assumed I was the only person who was attending this party who wouldn't be interested in alcohol. I didn't think about it, I didn't discuss it with myself, it was just in my mind somewhere as a given. But actually there were lots of people who felt exactly the same way, down to the very hosts themselves, who were not prepared to get themselves tiddled whilst hosting their five-year-old daughter's party. The default assumption that I made wasn't that, oh, I want to have a drink of alcohol, but rather there must only be alcohol available. It speaks to the fact that, whilst our hospitality venues do still have a long way to go.

Speaker 1:

How often do we actually walk in and assume that the offering isn't going to be good enough? How often do we walk in and assume that the offering isn't going to be good enough? How often do we walk in and assume that the bar staff won't know what we're talking about if we ask for a low, no alcohol cocktail? How often do we assume that the waiter is going to be looking down on us if we ask for an alcohol free wine instead of an alcohol full wine? And even to me, you know I run a low no and light alcohol media brand.

Speaker 1:

But clearly I'm still marred by certain assumptions as well. But that's okay. I'm not perfect. I never claimed to be perfect. I'm quite happy to put my hands up. It's all the way up in the air. Now You'll have to believe me and say that I have faults Many, many, many. Won't list them all today, but it's okay to make the wrong assumption. It's okay to get things wrong. It's okay to make a mistake, just as I did. But what I'm proud of myself for is the fact that I've taken it away with me and I've really thought about it and digested it. And now I know that going forward.

Speaker 1:

When I walk into a space whether it is a house party, it's a picnic, it's a pub, it's a restaurant I'm going to take a moment and just assess the assumptions that I'm making about the situation, may assess the assumptions I'm making about the quality of drinks that they have, about the service I'm about to receive, about the people who I'm going to be spending time with, about the people who I'm going to be spending time with, and also about other people's perspective on whether I'm choosing to drink or not, because actually lots of other people will be thinking about things the same way that I am, but perhaps they just don't talk about it, or perhaps they just don't feel that comfortable to share, or perhaps they're making assumptions. Looking at me going, you know she looks so cool because I do, I look super cool. But you know, perhaps they're making assumptions about me thinking oh yeah, she's, you know, a drinker. She's worked in hospitality, she must love a good whiskey, sour, you know.

Speaker 1:

So we've got to keep talking, we've got to keep an open mind, we've got to keep giving people grace and situations grace and venues grace to understand that they may well have something that is absolutely perfect for us, for our needs. In that moment, they might surprise you, you might surprise yourself and you might also start noticing more spaces, more opportunities where the low no option is not only available, but maybe it's the defaults, maybe it's copious amounts, you know. Maybe things are changing more and more every day in our favor and maybe we should celebrate that. Yeah, so just some food for thought to leave you with for this week and, of course, as always, don't forget to go and check out low no drinker magazine, where there are lots more thought-provoking pieces, as I'm working now on the next issue and I've got some changes coming up for the magazine, which I will be telling you about soon.

Speaker 1:

So, if you haven't yet hit subscribe wherever you are hearing my voice now, make sure you subscribe to the show or follow the show or fan the show, whatever the button says on whatever app you subscribe to the show or follow the show or fan the show, whatever the button says on whatever app you happen to be listening to, and check out Lono Drinker magazine, the leading global magazine for mindful and sober, curious drinkers. Until next time, my dear cheers to a life less intoxicated.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Denise Hamilton-Mace

Host